HAPPINESS (cut short)

How many times have you asked somebody “what do you want in life?” and the answer has been “happiness”? If you have not, then do go around doing a quick dip-stick and you will realize that alas, this is the standard answer that perhaps was printed on our brain when we were all manufactured in that unique super-efficient creature factory, hidden behind inaccessible cloudy barricades.

But if you ask these same people what is happiness, you would encounter a strange lull. They either do not know the answer, or are confused, or volunteer with something that they think is right, only to realize a little later, and on several occasions at that, that something else normally turns out to make them ‘happy’. Or does it?

I read somewhere that there are only two approaches to life – the victim approach and the victimizer approach. Gory as it sounds, it is really simple and sweet. It means that either we accept that it is we who create and influence everything that happens in our life, which means we are the victimizer, OR we deem that we are the victim and things ‘happen’ to us, situations and experiences occur without our own control. The choice is totally ours. Basically, when you take responsibility for all of reality, then you give yourself the power to change anything within reality; having a handle on your own life – governing what occurs and influences you – or rather making sure it is you, and only you that influences you.

So many times if we dissect any ‘difficult’ situation we are in, we end up realizing that it is the conditions we have created in our mind that are making the situation difficult! You know, conditions about how we should be behaving, what we should be getting out of it, expectations of others from us, expectations of ourselves from us, expectations of ourselves from others; and the list is endless.

So what is my take on happiness? Well I feel we can start by doing everything we love and that makes us happy. But first, find out what makes you happy. Ask yourself this question even when it seems like the most the most tedious questions to answer. Ask yourself over and over again, in times disconnected to each other and see if the answer is consistent. Now break this answer down to the minutest of the detail – in a moment to moment manner. What about this happiness can you do on a moment to moment manner that makes you happy?

But do not mistake solutions to momentary anxieties and fears as true sources of happiness. And do not harm anybody – what goes around, truly comes around and this world works on the system of harmony – taking away somebody else’s happiness to make your own will yield, at best, temporary results. Similarly looking at somebody else’s happiness and hoping to steal it / replicate it because you have not looked inside yourself may, at best, yield superficial results because you are, of course, unique.

Half convinced, half confused

I am happy today. Not only because I have returned to my oft-abandoned beloved blog and namma city Bengaluru, after a substantial gap of time, but also because I have just been in the company of some people I am feeling truly privileged to know.

So briefly what happened is: my excruciatingly boring weekends and the burning desire to learn music / dance formally led me in to a school close by. I enrolled for classes and geared up for some fun in the months to come.

After perhaps the second or third class one day, the coordinator / co-owner of the school spoke to us saying that she is facing issues with running the school in terms of finances and will have to vacate the premises and shift the classes elsewhere. The biggest reason cited was the magnitude of the rent and the differences in the vision of the two owners. All the students were understandably confused and there was hardly any response to her.

After she left, we were told that the second owner would like to talk to us and he descended upon us armed with snacks and a wide grin. Some pleasantries followed. The teacher sat there for some time smiling awkwardly and not knowing what to do, till it was obvious that the impending conversation will happen only once he gets going. So he leaves and we can see he is not fond of this half of the owner-pair. He makes gestures before leaving, instructing us to keep quiet and not divulge what the lady shared a while back. We brace ourselves.

The goodie man proceeds to tell us how the lady started out as a coordinator, requested for a partnership and now has antagonized all teachers, decided to vacate the place after manipulating everything in her favor. In short, she has duped him with a clever strategy and presently everything and everyone is going along with her and all our man is left with is an empty basement and a harmonium.

Chit-chat starts in the class gradually. And this is a classic case-study for anybody who is trying to find out how pain and drama gets humans pumped up, grouped together and animated. To be honest, I feel my share of angst at the calculations of the woman and sympathy for this eloquent victim. Opinions are shared back and forth while his tearful father also joins us, visibly stunned at the ‘degradation’ of the society.

The most vocal student commands the rest of us to follow him outside and directs the father-son combo to leave the matters to us. We parade in a straight queue, all anxious and stirred. Before the discussion can commence a tall fellow with a constant smirk remarks how these matters happen and should not be of any significance to us, we to continue the classes wherever the teacher goes as if nothing has transpired – make peace with the world, get your stuff going. Some others hum in agreement – half convinced, half confused. I smile inwardly – obviously this was to happen. Grown-ups don’t bother themselves with trivialities or ethics – they move on. Let’s be honest, I would have done just the same – why complicate my life with something so avoidable.

But just then, the leader’s voice rings aloud. “We are all intelligent and sensitive people – we will not behave apathetically and let this go. We are not here for the sake of it, but for inner satisfaction, but at what cost? This could be a management issue that is of least importance to us, but then there are people involved with real emotions.”

The mood begins to change. More people volunteer brave thoughts and ideas. I contribute my own two pence sheepishly. And a path-breaking statement is made about making an effort to put things in order, even at the risk of failure. The house is brought down. A decision is taken about the next course of action. People leave on a very upbeat note.

In a new town, it is nice to meet thinking people with a desire to spend time on a righteous effort – that is my instant thought. Much water has passed since that day and the lady and the teacher respectively have called each of us, selling their side of the story. But the positive thought remains with me.

The dark knight

The night is dark in a very excitingly scary way. The roads are sparse and there in a hint of bad weather. The phone rings. A few cousins and friends are with me and we look at each other. I pick up the phone.

Nazi like voice from a 80s Hollywood movie: “Will you be the CEO?”

Me (fully aware that I can’t get that quality in my voice ever): “Uh, wha… what?” (I kill the lack of a forceful voice further with my downer of a stutter)

This time the same but almost Nazi like voice from a 80s Hollywood movie: “I said will you be the CEO?”

Me (apparently with a vague idea of what is being spoken about, but just to be sure): “A CEO?”

Friend T has meanwhile heard me talking and pounced upon me: “CEO?!?! Say yes!”

Me (almost confused): “Uh, okay.”

Click of the phone.

Me: “What was this all about?!”

Friend T (super excited): “CEO is the code word for the undercover agent! They were calling from CACO and you will be their lucky hero!”

Me: “What’s CACO?”

Friend T (in his 15 minutes of fame): “That’s the Central Agency for Clandestine Operations. The most prestigious investigative agency. With unlimited power.” He has clearly worked with them before. As a CEO. (?).

Me: “Well… I am not sure if I am up to it.” Why am I sweating so much! “I am sure it will involve dealing with criminals and goons! I have no experience of all of that.” Read in between the lines – I am feeling super faint-hearted (or make it sissy) even at the thought of a gangster or an assailant. I am hiding my hands behind my back so that friend T and others can not see what fingers shivering faster than a volcanic activity look like.

Friend T (clearly losing his head from the top of his broad shoulders and increasingly erupting with unsolicited arrogance): “Oh come on! It isn’t all that difficult. The strength lies within you. It is in the mind. Look for it inside you instead of outside somewhere. Blah blah blah (lasting five seemingly eternal minutes).”

Me: Well, I did not say anything but perhaps I thumped in to a chair. Perhaps they all saw my fingers trembling like a mad dog or perhaps I myself started trembling like one.

Friend T (reaction to a mad dog?): “I really thought you were brave – did not expect such a cowardly side of you.”

Me (hurt and infuriated, snapped out of the mad dog thankfully): “Oh please. If you really want to encourage, then do that. Do not use all these negative reinforcements or threats or whatever they are.”

Friend T (walking inside a room without talking and emerging out with some weird stuff): “Here, take these.” I look at the gadgets in a bewildered way. He hands over huge green roller skates to me. “These are faster that a leopard – give you real head start over any possible attacker.” Gulp. Next, he takes out this fat gun with some small red and green buttons. And wait, the gun has roller skates fitted on to it too. “A roller gun – will guard you ferociously.” Longer and more painful gulp – painful probably because my mouth being so dry, there is nothing left to gulp. And out comes a transistor or is it a black box? “This is a talking radio. It will scan all directions when you are on the move and keep you updated on what’s happening on all sides. You will always be on top of the situation knowing well in advance about who ever approaches you from any side.” End of gadgets – smug look on friend T’s face. I look wretchedly for more gadgets but find none forthcoming.

I look out of the window and promisingly enough, the CACO car has arrived and waiting around my corner. If they are so dreaded, then clearly all anti-social elements track their activities and they know they are at my door steps tonight. So when I will step in five minutes concealed beautifully in my gigantic green roller skates holding the overweight roller gun and the quaint talking radio, they will be left with no doubts that I am the new, you know what. CEO is way too asinine for me to pronounce. And so they will follow me dutifully and well, you know what. Okay, let me say it even if it is supremely dreadful for me to pronounce. Follow me dutifully and kill me. A really dry gulp.

{{This is an extract from my dream last night}}
{{No, seriously, what have I been eating?!}}
{{There was a short culmination, which in the hindsight seems more like a doctored climax to satiate and pamper my ego but I can bet it did happen in the same dream}}

And so I step out. The huge green roller skates are very cumbersome and I somehow stumble out of my door.

And the transformation begins.

The clothes are quickly shed in favor of a white coat and pant. A stethoscope is hunted out from behind a dumpster and hung around my neck by my confident fingers. The clumsy skates are discarded with a trace of a smirk.

The best undercover agent steps out in to the night and the garb of a doctor itself bows in honor. As she walks out in to the night, the CACO along with the many gangsters and goons make way, their fingers shivering like a mad dog that winks somewhere at a distance.

So why did you wake me up you said?

Why did you end the night? Why did you wake me up?

I was so merrily rolling the window down and painting the town red with tobacco fountain-showers from my mouth.

I was so carefully washing my hands when the sweeper merely brushed past me.

I was so happily finishing the packet of potato chips and hurling the greasy non-degradable plastic packet below the very sign-board that read “No littering here.”

I was so skillfully pocketing shampoos and cutlery from hotels all over the world.

I was so joyfully judging people based on what they wore.

I was so happily evaluating them based on if they spoke English.

I was revering people if the color of skin was white and yet leaving no chance to fleece them, rape them and kill them.

I was objecting to movie titles, stand up comedy lines, speeches, press releases, going to restaurants, love, affection and everything else that was a part of a normal democratic life.

Why did you lift the veil of shadow from my face? Why did you let the light illuminate my eyes?

I was so happy being so… Indian.

Why did you end the night? Why did you wake me up?

The all India cartoon show

Not that we did not know of it already but this incident has revealed the utter insensitivity of the people who rule our country. A woman loses her husband and they want to placate her with One Crore rupees? A man loses his son and they let their stupid insignificant ego say that not a dog would visit their ancestral family home? Citizens mourn the loss of their innocent loved ones and they say that women in lipsticks should not have any say? Can they stoop lower than this? Can they show any more signs of lack of basic human emotion and understanding?

If the ghastly terrorist attack was not enough, the so-called care-takers of our country, have made the atmosphere completely unbearable and bitter for me. At a time when I see people waking up around me to go to work / party / school / etc and instead get shot down by an incomprehensible species for absolutely no fault of theirs, a species that seems to be targeting anyone and everyone in their fight for a cause that most of us fail to understand, a species that is using religion brazenly as an excuse to make a complete mockery of any normal sense of mutual co-existence. Wasn’t religion supposed to be a code of conduct and principles to lead our lives harmoniously and with as less problems as possible? Whoever said this code of conduct was supposed to become an entry into a global competition where participant parties could any which way possible to make sure their contestant wins? Well, if the intention was this then this Miss / Mister Best Religion of the Universe has become too gruesome a competition to be played by civilized human beings now. And mind you this is one forceful contest. So forceful that now people from the same religion have started bombing each other and when caught, they cook filthy allegations against people trying to stop them (read ATS chief, who by the way, later lost his life in the Mumbai incident) and use every possible deplorable tactic to win. Let us put a break on it before it usurps the very mortals who were hypnotized by it into going crazy. We do not want to see any more of our people die for no reason or for foolish reason.

The so called intelligent media of our country hasn’t really lived up to any expectations either. Whoever said the responsibility of media is to report facts should sample out any news channel on Indian television right now for a rapid reality check. Before any expert committee or panel could be set up to discover the culprits, reasons, loopholes or logistics behind the attacks, our beloved Barkha Dutt and Pranoy Roy are all over the gaff already. So now these journalists are suddenly telling us what we should do / how we should react instead of telling us what actually happened. For that they obviously have their own cock and bull story.

The one satisfactory development is that people still seem to be talking about it and the much abused Mumbai spirit has thankfully had it away on its tows. But the cynical me says that just like the Jessica Lal or the Parliament case, nothing much will be done again and people will obviously have to go out to fend for themselves and get killed in the bargain. The British, when divided and ruled our country decades back did not know that they are setting a legacy. India, today is hopelessly divided in to two sets of people and one of them is the one that will vote for money, food, cloth and even alcohol. This is not to say that the other is particularly celestial or gifted – they will lift up their hands and say “What goes of our father.” Whenever you ask them about the country. But both the sets do not really want to have anything to do with the other or at least the latter doesn’t and the former has to accept this. And so the seasoned old politician divides. And rules. And we collectively stay right where we are. Need I say more?

Come, lets go dreadfully back in time

I have been reading a book of short stories by Milan Kundera, one of the best known Czech authors. He is actually a Czech and French writer of Czech origin. Some of you, who haven’t read the author, may be familiar with the name because the guy has been in news recently for having allegedly once betrayed a spy to secret police. The author has however denied any such incident.

The book which has stories alluding to love and sexuality reminded me of how constrained we are as a society. In a particular story, a nurse trying to seduce the doctor performs a mock strip-tease and the gathered people end up discussing how the doctor should give in to the advances for the sake of her. I couldn’t fail to notice the openness of language and the candidness in referring to so many topics that we pride ourselves in banning in our beloved country. The head of the medical department does not stop the drunk woman from doing her quick dance despite the other doctor in question sitting there all blushed and embarrassed, and the fourth person in the group – a lady doctor who finds the young nurse very annoying, sits there quietly letting her articulate herself. Agreed it is a book of fiction but books, in any case, are some of the better sources of interesting insights into the lives and cultures of people far away that we cannot physically talk to. The author himself has found many of his books banned because of unsuitability to the values. But you have to read them to know why those books are banned. Even 10% of that written here would mean the author being chained, sawed and sent to space in an empty barrel with Rakhi Sawant for company.

I did imagine such a conversation unreservedly taking place in most educated homes in India and was suitably relieved about the freedom of expression. But I cannot fathom such a conversation taking place in most parts of our country. Which according to my limited understanding of psychology means suppressed opinions and needs? And which in turn means going about your life with concealed views and never knowing the bohemian pleasure of thinking beyond what is obvious in your own life. And this, even in close relationships like that of parent-child or husband-wife. And there is no reason to suspect this is not the case in India with news about Sati and child-marriage shockingly surfacing every now and then.

And just in case you wondered why I found the freedom of expression reassuring, (because that’s what I wondered when I gave the post a quick re-read)? Well. A bikini in Big Boss means a court case. Some flaunting of affection by couples in (or not, but how does it matter) love means Valentines Day is banned. The suggestion of inclusion of sex education in schools means a laughable furor. I mean I personally find Valentines Day too frivolous and I also believe that there has to be some amount of judgment that needs to be exercised when you are doing something that may impact other people. But how can you tell somebody else what they should wear or say or do! Who gave Bajrang Dal or Raj Thakrey’s men the power to decide what the rest of us Hindus or Maharashtriyans think? I cannot believe Christians cannot breathe in peace in Karnataka and Orissa; or north Indians cannot walk without being plagued by fear in Maharashtra! Ok, taking an example - what Hussein did was objectionable because it affected the religious beliefs of people from another religion but isn't that something in another league altogether? I think that falls under the category of society as a concept having been actually instituted so that people can peacefully live together... But at least let them 'Live' together.

Anyway with all this is happening around us shamefully, talking about societal constraints related to sexuality looks like a case of trying to jump to the fiftieth century, when people around you are stuck in the first.

No seriously, what is happening here? Did I miss a news piece somewhere being aired through our omnipresent Indian media, which declared the rechristening of India into hell?

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Not to forget, here's wishing everyone a very bright and happy Diwali! :)